(or “What the Hell is this??  It’s NOT Godzilla!”) 

by Connie Goodnow 

As of this writing, about 72 hours have passed since the official opening of Tri-Star’s “Godzilla” film.  Of course, I have not had a chance to see the new film yet, but I will 

However, despite the fact that I have not accessed the Net in a little under 2 months and that I am writing this review the old fashioned way and sending it to be transcribed using terribly outdated methods :-), I have had a chance to see the creature’s design, and my reaction on an immediate level was as follows: "WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO TO POOR GODZILLA??" 

 

In my opinion, the creature resembles a cross between a stegosaurus and an Alien™.  It is a very cool creature, no doubt.  I would NOT want to run into it in a dark alley (or at a bank teller’s window, for that matter), but to me, 
it would appear that this is an open-and-shut case of Dean Devlin and Pat Tatopolous coming up with this design and sticking the name “Godzilla” on it. 
Of course, as far as a man who would defend his career with the catch-phrase “Screw you!” (Sorry Dean...couldn’t resist :-) is concerned, that couldn’t possibly be the case, could it? ;-) 

However.....!  This is not to say that Devlin’s Godzilla could never grow on Conster.  It could...easily.  But, before you call me a traitor to the cause, remember, it’s just a movie.   Of course, I reserve the right to rip into or heap lavish praise upon Tristar.....only AFTER I’ve seen the movie. 
Remember, I’m having a plethora of personal hardship right now, and I gotta have a standard of fairness someplace.  :-)

A French nuclear test is conducted on an island in the South Pacific in the Mid 1960’s.  Unknown to the rest of the world, a single egg containing a living reptilian embryo is buried in the atomic fallout. 

Present day:  A Japanese oil tanker is ripped to shreds by an unknown force. 
Its single survivor, and elderly cook, lies catatonic in a French 
hospital. 
Only coming to when a lighter is struck near his face, the only thing he is able to say is “Gojira.....Gojira!” 

An American scientist is taken off of his study of Chernobyl earthworms to study the radioactive footprints of an unknown giant creature. 

The monster makes his appearance in NYC after pulling a fishing fleet underwater, scaring an elderly fisherman and tearing up suburbia in the process. It then disappears, having burrowed into Madison Square.

Our scientist, Dr. Nick Tatopolous (unconvincingly portrayed by Matthew Broderick) takes leftover blood samples from the street and determines that the monster is preggers via home-pregnancy test kits (HA!) Unfortunately, the good doctor is dismissed when his girlfriend steals top-secret footage and puts it on the air. 

He then teams up with a French Secret Service Agent passing as an insurance investigator to find the creature’s nest.....only to run for his life from infant creatures every bit as vicious as its parent (who was presumed dead after an underwater submarine attack.) 

After the nest is destroyed, Papa (Mama?) re-appears with a vengeance, nearly swallowing a taxi cab with Dock Tata whole, it winds up being caught in bridge suspension cables and (sigh) shot to death with guided missiles. 

Unfortunately, one egg is left, and it hatches.  (Another choke sequel?)