Spock: I think we all have, Captain.

Kirk: (Speaking into his communicator) Captain Kirk to Ensign Lewis. Report please. (Silence...Kirk adjusts to a different frequency) This is Captain Kirk hailing Ensign Miller, please respond. (Still no answer, just static.)

McCoy: (being sarcastic for a change) Perhaps they forgot to set their phasers on RAID.

Kirk: (Now visibly concerned, hails his chief Engineer) Kirk to Enterprise.

Scott's voice: Scott here, Captain.

Kirk: Mister Scott....can you........pinpoint the coordinates..........of.........Ensigns Lewis and Miller?

(From the communicator can be heard numerous beeps of various frequencies and other electronic sound effects as Mr. Scott presses more buttons and throws more switches.) Got a fix on 'em sir.......Saints preserve us!.........Captain Kirk, I'm not picking up any life signs from either of the lads!

Kirk: (Now truly alarmed) Beam them over to our coordinates! Now!

Scott: Aye, Sir-r-r-r-r-r-r-r! (Scotty hiccups as he signs off)

(Almost thirty seconds later, the unconscious bodies of Miller and Lewis materialize.)

McCoy: (Running to Ensign Lewis's side and giving him a tricorder scan) Jim! This man's been crushed by a Styrofoam rock! (Another tricorder scan) And he's also been beamed into a bulkhead!

Kirk: (Getting angry) Scotty.......

(McCoy next approaches Ensign Miller who's a REAL mess.....covered in spider silk, skin completely white, every last ounce of blood drained from his body, his face forever frozen in a hideous death rictus)

McCoy: (Waving his tricorder over Ensign Miller, states the obvious....) He's dead, Jim!

Kirk: (Hanging his head in sorrow and despair, for as a Starfleet Captain, he feels responsible for the lives of every one of his crewmen) Damn......my fault. All my fault.....It should have been me! I should have gone to the east side of the island. I should have combated the giant spider! I'm much better trained at hand-to-hand combat with arachnids than a mere ensign! What was I thinking...?

McCoy: (Attempting to console his superior officer.....because in this day and age, Federation Starships do not yet employ ship's counselors) Jim....please.....don't do this to yourself...they were highly trained officers. They knew the risks! Death by giant spider bite was a risk that we all accepted the day we joined Starfleet! 

Kirk: I know that Bones.....But, there's more to it than that.....Ensign Miller....I knew him......His father was a favorite instructor of mine back in the Academy. His death was so pointless.....so futile.....Why??!!!!! (He slowly shakes his head, then composes himself and suddenly whirls to face his First Officer. He's very angry) Mr. Spock....I want an explanation, and I want it now!

Spock: Sir...?

Kirk: You told me that Aspiga only existed as stock footage in this reality. So, why do I have two officers lying here dead??!!!

Spock: (Shaking his head in bewilderment) Captain, I must confess to being stumped....What has happened to the ensigns is highly illogical. I cannot, at present, offer an explanation. Unless.........(He walks over to Ichiro and scans him with his tricorder. For a few moments he is unable to speak.) Fascinating.....Of course! How could I be so blind? The answer was right in front of me all along! Captain.....Doctor......a word with you in private?

Kirk: Very well, Mr. Spock. Ichiro, stay here. And don't wonder off into the jungle. Gentlemen......

(The three officers walk several paces away from Ichiro. We, the audience, are meant to believe that Ichiro can no longer hear what is being said simply because he is now off-camera.)

Kirk: All right, Spock, spill it.

Spock: (More to himself than to the others) It all fits....every piece of the puzzle. How could I have been so completely blind....?_

McCoy: Hang it all, Spock!! Stop kicking yourself in the ass and get on with it!

Spock: (looking genuinely perplexed..) Doctor, as a physician, you of all people should be well aware that it is physiologically impossible for any humanoid life-form, Vulcan or human, to kick one's self in the-

Kirk: (Losing his patience) Spock!

Spock: Captain, it's the boy, Ichiro. He brought us here. Or, to put it more accurately.....he dreamed us here.

Kirk: Explain.

Spock: None of this is real....the island, the jungle, the strange life forms, the purple dinosaur in the cave, even our very presence here.......Captain, all of us are literally interacting in a dream that Ichiro is right now having in urban Japan.

McCoy: Lemme guess.....Wearing a pair of headphones!

Spock: Correct, Doctor. I should have deduced this the moment Ichiro inquired whether or not we possessed any quantities of the substance that you humans know as "spam". I never should have dismissed this as a coincidence.

McCoy: (Shaking his finger....) Bad, BAD Vulcan!!

Spock: (Ignoring him) Evidently, the boy went to sleep craving spam. When none was to be found on the island he had dreamed up, he subconsciously wished us here.

Kirk: But......why the Enterprise? Why us?!

Spock: Speculation: Ichiro's desire for the spam substance manifested itself into a series of Alpha waves. These waves, in turn, blended with the signal of a nearby transmitter device that Ichiro had fallen asleep next to. The storm we encountered must have made us susceptible to this newly formed and extremely unique transmission. Circumstances that could probably not be duplicated in approximately ten-thousand, nine-hundred-and forty-six-point-point-twelve of your Earth years. It has never happened to a Federation Starship before.

McCoy: (grumbling) Big deal! A lot of things happen to us that have never happened to a Federation Starship before! Guess we're just lucky!

Kirk: (Ignoring this latest tangent in the conversation) That's it! That's why Scotty's diagnosis on the replicators turned up negative! There wasn't anything wrong with them physically! Ichiro merely.......dreamed the spam into them!

Spock: Correct, Captain. It also explains the mystery of why the strange creatures we've encountered are not accounted for in our data banks. Last but not least, why Ichiro suddenly materialized shortly upon our arrival. It must have been then that he entered into REM sleep.

McCoy: Great. We're in a kid's dream! So, now, what to we do?! Click out heals together three times and repeat over and over, "There's no place like Space"?!!

Spock: Really, Doctor. Your unique flair for the melodramatic is most unprofessional. It is most fortunate that we are not interacting in one of your dreams! 

McCoy: (Blowing up again) Fortunate for you, you pompous self-righteous overgrown gremlin! If this were my dream, we'd be in Vegas, and you'd be in the ring with Mike Tyson!

Kirk: That will do, Doctor! Spock.......Doctor McCoy has posed a legitimate question. Assuming your theory holds true, just........how.............do we get home?

Spock: This all began when Ichiro began dreaming. There is every reason to believe that when he awakens, both we and the Enterprise will be transported back to our own time and space. I strongly suggest that we be on the Enterprise when that happens.

Kirk: What of Lewis and Miller? Are they really.....?

Spock: Despite your perceived memories of them, Captain, they probably don't exist in our reality.

(Kirk breathes a sigh of relief, for when a Starfleet Captain learns that his dead crewmen never existed in the first place, it removes a tremendous psychological burden.)

Spock: Captain......There's one thing more......

Kirk: (Realizing now, that his relief is to be short-lived) Out with it Spock.

Spock: According to my tricorder readings, Ichiro's sleeping body is currently not occupying the same coordinates that it was at the time we first transported here. He is, in fact, in the hands of two desperate bank robbers that have turned to kidnapping.

(Kirk now displays an expression of distress again. For not only does he feel responsible for the lives of his crew as all good Starfleet captains do, he also feels responsible for all life forms in the Milky Way Galaxy, having saved it from certain destruction on numerous occasions.)

Spock: (Getting to the bright side) But not to worry, Captain. My readings also reveal that Ichiro will single-handedly use his wit and cunning to outsmart the crooks, delivering them into the hands of the local police and securing himself a hero status in the eyes of his community. Soon after, he will triumph over a gang of schoolyard bullies and enjoy a rich and rewarding life of success and prosperity with his newly acquired self-confidence.

(Kirk and McCoy stare at Spock in stunned disbelief. McCoy finally breaks the silence.)

McCoy: Spock......How in the HELL can you tell all that by listening to a blinking box??!!

Spock: (Fixing McCoy with a look that he usually reserves for slow pupils...) It's a tricorder, Doctor. A tricorder knows everything.

Kirk: Remarkable devices, those tricorders.

Spock: Well, they are made in Japan, Captain.

Kirk: (Thinking for a moment....)Spock....If.......Ichiro.....is going to wake up in danger.... should we not.....try to help?

Spock: Negative, Captain. Ichiro must face this on his own. Besides, Starfleet regulations explicitly forbid us to interfere with such hokey bull#%&."

(It suddenly dawns on Kirk that since he is in a dream, it's his perfect opportunity to get it on with Yeoman Janice Rand and not get into trouble. Spock is having similar fantasies involving Nurse Christine Chapel. To hell with waiting another seven years! McCoy realizes that this would be a wonderful chance for him to catch up on his medical journals.)

Kirk: In that case, gentlemen, there's nothing more we can do here. I suggest we beam up to the Enterprise immediately!

Spock and McCoy in unison: Agreed! (Then stare at one another, horrified to have agreed on something twice in one episode.)

Kirk: (Reaching for his communicator once again) Kirk to Enterprise.

Scott's voice: Scott here, sir.

Kirk: Prepare to beam us up on my signal.

Scott: Aye, s-a-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r! (...about half a dozen hiccups)

Spock: One moment, Captain. If I may have a final word with the boy.

Kirk: (Still thinking of the Yeoman) Make it quick, Spock!

Spock: (Walking to Ichiro's side) We must leave you now, young Ichiro. Our mission here is complete.

Ichiro: Awwww, guys, don't go yet! We haven't seen Angilus yet!

Spock: (Pausing and taking a deep breath) A most regrettable exclusion from our itinerary. Nevertheless, Starfleet regulations specifically dictate that upon completion of a mission-

Ichiro: Hey! You guys wanna come over to my house for dinner? My mom's working late, but my friend, Shinpei Minami is making sukiyaki. Do you like sukiyaki? And, he's selling his car, too! You guys wanna buy a car? He's selling it really cheap and the motor only falls out every ten miles! Guess what? Minami's an in inventor! He invented a mini-computer, and it's really neat! I'm helping him test it out! You can learn all about the moon! Have you guys ever been to the moon? Hey, I could show you my vacuum tubes. I found 'em in a lot. Wanna see my new driver's license? I found that in a condemned building.....

(Spock silences the boy by initiating a Vulcan mind meld. He mentally wishes the boy good fortune on his upcoming journey of personal growth. And also gives him the suggestion that when the time comes, he should not honk the horn of the man with the motorcycle. For the man with the motorcycle has done him no harm and does not deserve to have his face covered in white paint. He then breaks the meld, steps away from Ichiro, holds out his hand, separating his ring and middle finger...)

Spock: Farewell, Ichiro. Live long and prosper.

(A long silence follows...)

Ichiro: Uh.......you got a stick of gum?

Spock: (For the first time wondering if perhaps his tricorder had been malfunctioning while revealing Ichiro's destiny...) No, Ichiro. I'm afraid I do not have......a stick of gum.

Ichiro: Shucks!

Kirk: (Speaking into his communicator) Beam us up, Scotty! There's no intelligent life down here!

(Moments later, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are immersed in a transporter beam. Finally, they vanish, leaving Ichiro standing by himself. The picture gradually begins fading....Ichiro is waking from his dream. His last thought before phasing out of Monster Island is that Captain Kirk's remark would be a perfect catch-phrase for a bumper-sticker.....)

Epilogue

(We see an exterior shot of the Enterprise™ in deep space. Captain Kirk narrates...)

Kirk's voice: Captain's Log, Star Date 5327.5. As per Mister Spock's predictions, both we and the Enterprise are back in our proper time and space. The replicators are functioning as they should be and life aboard the Enterprise is gradually returning to normal. Until recently, the only souvenir left of our strange voyage to Monster Island and Ichiro's dream was the mounds of excess spam created by the replicators. Mister Scott has solved this problem by beaming it over to the Klingons. A stroke of sheer genius on my chief engineer's part. The Klingons, evidently, are very fond of this foul substance, not only because they consider it "a warrior's meal", but because it has proven to be instantly fatal to tribbles. This has significantly improved diplomatic relations with our hostile and warlike neighbors. It could very well be that the Federation may one day co-exist peacefully with the Klingons.....if so, we shall owe it all to Ichiro and his spam dream.

Unfortunately, when dealing with time travel, there are always risks......According to Mister Spock, I may well have contaminated the timeline beyond repair.......

(Interior of the ship's computer library. Spock, accessing a computer tape (which looks remarkably similar to a 3.5" floppy) inserts it into the computer, and shows Kirk and McCoy a photo....)

Kirk: (Staring wide-eyed into the monitor) Damn..........

(The photo is a of the rear bumper of an ancient Earth vehicle. On the bumper is a sticker which reads in big bold words, "Beam me up, Scotty! There's no intelligent life down here"!)

Spock: Apparently, Captain, the last words you uttered prior to our beaming off of Monster Island have proven to be quite a popular catch phrase on your planet. 

Kirk: Are you telling me....?

Spock: Precisely.....Ichiro remembered your words, even after having awakened from his dream and faced his ordeal with the bank robbers. He later obtained a patent on the phrase, using his newly discovered wit and aggression to bully, con and manipulate numerous attorneys at law. In short, young Ichiro became a very rich man indeed. Observe....

(Spock next displays another photo....of a 35-year-old-Ichiro, his wife (a woman who bears a remarkable resemblance to a little girl Ichiro used to walk home from school with), and about half a dozen children. They all look like little Ichiro clones. The photo was obviously taken in the interior of a very well-to-do estate.....In the background is a pool table, a bar, a sunken hot-tub, and a big-screen TV not quite the size of Godzilla. )

McCoy: God help us all, he propagated!

Kirk: Ichiro's new home.......My God........he obtained all this just by repeating a few words he'd heard me mutter at the end of a hard day's work....??!!!

Spock: Not precisely, Captain. He also made quite a name for himself in the field of dream disorders. That is how he managed to acquire the funds for this second home that we see before us.

McCoy: Second home?! Now, just a damn minute! You're telling me that this elegant mansion is....

Spock: ......a yacht. A structure I believe that you refer to on your planet as a "floating recreational vehicle". Often used for the occasional "weekend getaway".

Kirk: And his first home? A mansion........where? Mount Fuji?

Spock: Beverly Hills, Captain. This structure was of considerably greater expense than the one that floats, and was made possible only by a very popular catch-phrase uttered by yourself on Monster Island three centuries ago. You have proven to be a very inspirational figure throughout history indeed.

Kirk: A bumper sticker.......(wincing as if in pain as the full implications of what Spock is telling him begin to sink in) I caused all of this.....if I include this in my report to Starfleet Command.....

Spock: (finishing his sentence)........chances are you'd never make Admiral.

Kirk: (Glancing up at Dr. McCoy, his face revealing the intense mental anguish he's experiencing. For he is not yet aware that being an admiral is a job that he's going to hate anyway.) My God, Bones.........what have I done?

McCoy: What you had to do. What you always do.....

Spock: If I may interrupt this recycled dialog........with all due respect, Captain. I think I may be able to propose a "back door" for the predicament you currently find yourself in.

Kirk: Rest assured, Mister Spock, you have my full attention.

Spock: According to Starfleet Regulations chapter twelve, paragraph three-hundred-twenty-seven, sub-paragraph four-hundred-and-eighty-six-thousand, nine-hundred-and-fifty seven-point-five.....and I quote......"Following a mission, all Starfleet Captains are required to submit a full report to Starfleet Command documenting all of the events of significance that occurred". I point out, gentlemen, that a majority of the events of our mission, including the captain's profound statement , took place in a boy's dream. Hence, they never actually occurred. And, as logic would dictate, events that never occurred have no place in reports to Starfleet Command. In fact......(folding his arms and looking very dignified).....it would he highly improper.

Kirk: (Catching on) Flawlessly logical, Mister Spock. So, the only events left to report...

Spock: .......concern an intense interstellar gravitational disturbance, possible peace with the Klingons, a ship full of replicated spam, and a cargo-hold of exploding tribbles...........sir.

(Kirk and McCoy now grin at one another.)

Spock: Starfleet Command will no doubt be fascinated.

Kirk: Well-done, Spock! I have to admit there are times when logic is the only way to go.

Spock: Logic, Jim, is not a "way to go". It is a discipline, a philosophy, a way of life...

McCoy: (Already annoyed again...) All right, you meddlesome two-bit philosophical troll, we get the point! Now, let's see if your damnable logic can solve this mystery........(he indicates the photo) Tell me, Spock.....Why is the entire family wearing headphones?!!!

Spock: (Glances again at the photo, raises an eyebrow, and shakes his head) Some mysteries are best left unsolved, Doctor. Good day, gentlemen. (Having said his piece and done his job, Spock smugly exits the library as only Vulcans can do.)

Kirk: I suppose I should have said, 'Thank you'.

McCoy: (grumbling again) Are you kidding me?! He wouldn't have appreciated it. Damn arrogant Vulcan smart-ass!

Kirk: (Good-naturedly) Well, Doctor......we seem to have done our job for the day. After I submit my report to Starfleet, I'm sure they'll be more than happy to grant us a little well-earned shore leave. Any particular place you'd like to go?

McCoy: I don't care as long as I don't see another damn palm tree!!!!

Kirk: (Grins, then hails his navigator) Mr. Sulu........Warp factor eight!

(We see an exterior of the Enterprise rapidly increasing it's distance from our view. The end credits appear on the screen.....or at least the names of the few individuals who care to have their names associated with such an absurd production......)

The end

Back to the Museum, everyone, before we all go crazy! =)