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We are viewing the infamous scene (courtesy of Toho© stock footage) depicting Minya practicing the application of his radioactive breath with Dad. Kirk's voice: Captain's Log, Supplemental: Mr. Spock, Doctor McCoy, and I are no closer to solving the riddle of how to get back to our own time than we were upon arrival to this strange island. We have witnessed numerous wrestling matches between creatures so strange, so unusual, that we cannot find any record of them in the computer tape libraries. This is only one of several mysteries; There is also the sudden appearance of Ichiro where a moment before, our instruments had detected no life forms. And the bizarre malfunction of our food replicators which, according to Mr. Scott's diagnosis, should be in perfect working order. Mr. Spock can still offer no explanation for these anomalies, but insists that if we solve them, we shall also have the answer to getting back home. For my Vulcan science officer to act on instinct or intuition.....this in itself represents a mystery. None of this adds up.... The stress and anxiety of our situation is becoming apparent in all of us, especially in Doctor McCoy, who is becoming increasingly irritable.... (Minya, having just successfully emitted his first strong non-smoke-ring-radiation blast, shrinks himself back down to human size and runs back to the landing party, thoroughly pleased with himself. We soon learn that he is not a creature of modesty...) Minya: Hey guys! Didja see that? Didja see what I did?! Ichiro: Yay, Minya! McCoy: (Thoroughly disgusted, mimicking Minya)"Hooray for me! I can vaporize people and objects by breathing on them! Quick, somebody, pin a medal on me!" Spock: Mister Minya.....I'm curious....As your species approaches adulthood, your breath becomes increasingly lethal. Yet in your infancy, the radiation bursts that you emit tend to resemble....well....a donut. McCoy: 'Donut', Spock? Spock: (Lapsing into lecture mode) An ancient Earth confection consisting primarily of sugar and dough, usually deep fried in a highly saturated grease compound. Although completely lacking in any nutritional properties, it was considered popular among late twentieth century college students, engineers, marijuana smokers, and law enforcement officers. McCoy: Spock, tell me something: How is it that a Vulcan science officer is so well-versed in Earth's history? Spock: I consider it a matter of survival doctor. After all, since we first embarked upon our historical five-year mission, we have traveled to ancient Earth on numerous occasions prior to this. We have also encountered Abraham Lincoln, Colonel Green, Genghis Khan, the Greek god Apollo, two characters out of Lewis Carol's "Alice in Wonderland", and a band of arrogant space-hippies. Not to mention visiting a gangster planet, a Nazi planet, a Roman Empire planet, an Old West planet, an American Indian planet, a Halloween planet... McCoy: (Now sorry that he asked) Never mind, Spock, I get the point. Minya: Hey! You guys were on a Halloween planet? Was it really scary? McCoy: (Rolls his eyes, turns around, and grits his teeth because he just can't stand it anymore. Begins muttering to himself...) Feel like I'm in a damn McDonaldland commercial! (No one is meant to have heard this remark. However, the good doctor has failed to take into account his first officer's super-sensitive hearing. Mr. Spock, of course, cannot resist an opportunity to press Doctor McCoy's buttons. He is, after all, half-human..) Spock: 'McDonaldland', Doctor? I see that you, two, are familiar with the finer points of your planet's history..... McCoy: (Whirling around, furious) SHUT UP, SPOCK, YOU DAMN MEDDLING HALF-BREEDED GREEN-BLOODED POINTY-EARED.........JACKASS!!!!!! Spock: (Says nothing, merely raises an eyebrow) Kirk: Gentlemen, PLEASE!!! We're here on a mission! Kindly continue this debate at the end of the episode! (The staff meeting is suddenly interrupted when an enormous ludicrous-looking creature emerges from the jungle, up-rooting trees, and looking really pissed off) Ichiro: It's Gabera! Minya: Himself!! Let's go!!! (Minya and Ichiro take off down the jungle trail) Spock: Captain, according to my tricorder, this creature is not stock footage! Recommend we follow Mr. Minya's example and make a hasty retreat. McCoy: Amen to that! For once, Spock, we're in full agreement! (The three Starfleet Officers race down the trail, Gabera closing in on them fast. Just in time, they reach the mouth of a small cave where Ichiro and Minya are already hiding.) Kirk: Mister Spock, what are our options? Spock: We cannot risk going out there again, Captain. According to my tricorder readings, contact with this creature would directly expose us to one-million, nine-hundred-and-eighty-seven-thousand, two-hundred-and-fifty-six-point-twelve volts of electricity. Ichiro: I got shocked one time taking clothes out of the dryer. My cap was clinging to my mommy's underwear, and when I tried to pull them apart, I got zapped...my hair stood up for five minutes and everything---- McCoy: SHUT UP!!!! Ichiro: (Feelings hurt, whispering into Minya's ear, pointing to Dr. McCoy) He's mean! Minya: Want me to kick his ass? Kirk: Recommendations, Spock...? Spock: (Thinking for a moment...) Duct tape, Captain? McCoy: Oh, for God's sake!!! How about some good old-fashion phaser action? Kirk: Agreed! Gentlemen....Phasers on stun! (The three men produce their phasers and aim them in Gabera's direction) Kirk: On my mark......Fire!!! (The three phasers all discharge, their rays simultaneously hitting Gabera in the face. Gabera jerks his head back, reacting as if he'd been punched in the nose.) Minya: Golly! I think ya just pissed him off, guys! (Suddenly, another roar is heard.....Godzilla appears in a challenging stance.) Minya: It's Dad!!! Ichiro: We're saved! Kirk: (To Spock) Wait a minute! That's not the same creature that was teaching Minya to fight earlier... Spock: No, Captain, it's not. But, we're meant to think that it is. (Godzilla and Gabera face each other, each sizing the other up. Godzilla makes the first move, hitting Gabera with a deadly radiation blast that also sets several nearby trees and bushes on fire.) Spock: Evidently, the flora and fauna of this island is considered highly expendable by its inhabitants. (Gabera, enraged, charges at Godzilla, knocking the King of the Monsters over backwards. He then looms over his fallen prey, ready to give him a full dose of electricity.) Ichiro: (closing his eyes) I can't look! McCoy: Good! Don't talk either! (Just as Gabera is nearly upon him, Godzilla extends his bent legs, connecting with Gabera's chest, and sending him flying backwards hundreds of yards.) Spock: Fascinating, Captain. I've often observed you employing that particular maneuver while in combat with Klingons, Romulans, and renegade Starfleet Captains. (Godzilla, seizing the advantage, picks up a stunned Gabera and flips him over his shoulder, slamming him to the ground. He approaches the fallen creature. It looks as if the battle is very nearly over. Without warning, Gabera springs up, trapping Godzilla in a vicious head-lock. He applies electric shock and Godzilla is paralyzed.) Ichiro: Gosh! He's down! Minya, quick! You're the only one who can save him! Minya: I.....I can't...I'm scared..... Spock: Captain! I'm picking up another life form......inside this cave!!! (Suddenly, a singing voice is heard....) Singing voice: I love you, you love me. We're a happy fa-mi-ly..... (Our five heroes turn around and there he is....Barney the Purple Dinosaur!) McCoy: (Horrified) My.......GOD!!! Kirk: It's an abomination! Spock: It is illogical. Ichiro: (whining) I wanna go home! McCoy: Jim! What are we gonna do?! Minya: (Enraged) I'll tell you what I'm gonna do...I'm gonna paint these cave walls with that ugly purple obnoxious f***! (Minya hits Barney with a full scale radiation burst more powerful than anything ever emitted by Godzilla, so great is his anger. Barney instantly explodes and evaporates. ) Spock: Fascinating. Ichiro: Yay, Minya! Kirk: He'd make a fine Starfleet officer! (But, Minya is not through. Still in a blind rage, he storms outside the cave....) Spock: Mister Minya....That course of action is highly illogical! (...grows to monster size....) Kirk: Mr. Spock, speculate....What...scientific...principle....is Mr. Minya making use of to......alter...his.....size? Spock: To coin one of your ancient Earth phrases, Captain, 'Beats the hell outta me!' (....and hits Gabera with another full scale radiation blast....Gabera instantly releases Godzilla and retreats.) Ichiro: You did it, Minya, you did it! (Runs out of cave) Go home, Gabera! (chanting as only little kids can do....) Youuu aaaare a looooooooooooooser!!! (As Kirk, Spock, and McCoy join Ichiro outside, Gabera disappears over the horizon....probably into the studio parking lot) Hmmm. That Gabera has lost again! Kirk: Spock. Do you recommend we follow the creature? Spock: Negative, Captain. I feel certain that this Gabera is in no way connected to our presence here. Kirk: All the same, Starfleet regulations dictate that we seek out and study all new life forms. Spock: Quite true, Captain. But logic dictates that it is very unwise to screw around with any life form capable of emitting such an obnoxious sound. McCoy: Spock, you're sounding more and more human all the time! Spock: (folding his arms) Doctor, I see no reason to stand here and be insulted! (Godzilla, completely recovered, lumbers over to his son and pats him on the head.) McCoy: Amazing.....a few moments ago, Godzilla was near death. Minya: Oh, that's nothing! One time, an oxygen destroyer stripped all the flesh from his bones, and he still came back to life! (Godzilla growls. Ya know, the dubbed roar that sounds kinda like the MGM lion grunting....) Uh...Dad says we gotta go. Kirk: Mister Spock......? Spock: It's okay, Captain....As with Gabera, I feel certain that neither of these creatures hold the key to getting us home. McCoy: Well, that's a relief to know! The little one has the IQ of a scalpel! And, the big one keeps changing costumes! Makes me nervous! Ichiro: (Waving) Good-bye, Minya! Good-bye, Godzilla! (Minya waves and Godzilla nods. Mr. Spock steps forward, extends his hand, separating the middle and ring finger in the Vulcan salute.) Spock: Farewell, Mister Minya. You have done well. Live Long and Prosper..... Minya: Uh.......yeah. See you guys! We're gonna go kick some more monsters' asses! Come on, Dad! (Godzilla and Minya turn around and exit the set....probably to join Gabera for a cigarette break in the studio parking lot. Ichiro is left alone with Kirk, Spock, and McCoy. ) Kirk: Gentlemen......We are no closer to getting home than we were when we first beamed down! I, for one, have no intention of living out the remainder of my days on this island indulging in a banana/coconut/spam diet! I want answers! Spock: Perhaps, we should check in with Ensigns Lewis and Miller. They may have stumbled onto something......... |